Love

Still finding a need to share in a simple way what moves me and heals me, I'll be posting what I find on Tumblr from now on.  It's part of that something new that my psychotherapist suggested for April 2024.  I'm not deleting this blog because I want to honor the healing years from December 2006 to April 2024 and the world-wide community of friends I found here whose blogs I will continue to read and leave comments on.

Love,

am

Sending love near and far

During this week in April 1968, R kissed me for the first time.  We were 18 years old.  During this week in April 2008, I began driving from Washington to Northern California to be with R at the Palo Alto VA Hospital during the last days of his life.  We were 58 years old.  

This blog's first post was when I was 56 years old, nearly 18 years ago!  That was on the 36th anniversary of the day R returned from serving a year in Vietnam in the U.S. Army as a helicopter mechanic.  A wise older woman, knowing how haunted I was by all that had transpired since R's return in 1970, gently suggested that I do something different on the anniversary of R's return from Vietnam.  Starting this blog was something different from anything I had done before.

The first name of this blog was "Old Girl of the North Country."  The focus of the blog was a retrospective of my art work from the year I met R while still in high school until his death in 2008.  All of that art work was inspired in one way or other by R's presence and absence in my life.  After that I posted photos taken from my porch and from my long walks in and around Bellingham, with R never far from mind.  Through the years, I've enjoyed posting music and other offerings from YouTube and other sources that inspired me and which I wanted to share.  In the last year, I've been posting my Tiny Mandala Series (drawn with my non-dominant left hand) which is still a work in progress. 

This past week when I met with my psychotherapist and mentioned that the anniversary of R's death was approaching, she gently suggested that I do something different to mark the coming days.  Today I took a walk up the hill to Big Rock Garden and took the above photo which shows one of the many blooming rhododendrons and, in the background, two lovely evergreen trees and the Empress tree which will soon be blooming.  

As I was walking down the hill from Big Rock Garden, I realized that it was in April fifty years ago, that I came to live here in Bellingham.  

I'm committing to living fully in the present, making the most of the last years of my life, beginning today.  

Tiny Mandala #42 of 52 (inspired by the Chinese character for "to stand upright.")

Harpo the Nomad in a quiet moment.  He's a lively fellow.  Good company.

It's been a long long time since I've had much to say on my blog.  My social energy is increasingly limited.  I'm a true introvert.  Given that the blog was created to help me work through "Prolonged Grief Disorder" before I even had that diagnosis along with a diagnosis of "Trauma, Not Otherwise Specified," I'm realizing that I'm ready to let this be my last blog post, although I'm not deleting my blog.  I'm grateful to all who have visited my blog through the years.  You've all played a major role in my healing.  

I'll continue to read your blogs.  You are dear to me.

Sending love to all, near and far.

¡Eclipse total de sol! / April 8, 2024

A near-total eclipse is nothing like a total eclipse.  Grateful to have seen one total eclipse in my lifetime.  I was just as astonished and emotional as the people in the above video when I witnessed a total eclipse in Fossil, Oregon, in August 2017.  

It's worth taking a trip to experience one, if one doesn't come to you.

Getting unstuck

Witnessing this video and seeing the possibility of gradual freedom from emotional baggage was healing for me and brought these three old songs to mind:

and

and

Freedom meditation

“Freedom is a heavy load, a great and strange burden for the spirit to undertake. It is not easy. It is not a gift given, but a choice made, and the choice may be a hard one.”

- Ursula K. Le Guin

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Thank to Beth for the inspiration

" ...Remember the people have always struggled to live in harmony in peace ..." / Young and old working together

I was listening to the voices of life

Chanting in unison

Carry on the struggle

The generations surge together

In resistance

To meet the reality of power

Mother earth embraces her children

In natural beauty to last beyond

Oppressors brutality

As the butterfly floats into life

We are the spirit of natural life

Which is forever

The power of understanding

Real connection to spirit

Is meaning our resistance our struggle

Is not sacrifice lost

Is natural energy properly used

One time

I was visiting with my relatives

The clouds the mountains the sky

The trees

My relatives touched my spirit

Nudged it lovingly

Listen to us impatient one

We are forever

You must remember the gentleness of time

You are struggling to be who you are

You say you want to learn the old ways

Struggling to learn

When all you must do is remember

Remember the people

Remember sky and earth

Remember the people

Have always struggled to live

In harmony in peace

Struggle against selfishness and

Weakness so the people may live

As nations

The old ways are hard

The people have always had

To work together

Remember impatient one

Remember and live

Do not be afraid of truth

Respect discipline

Share your life so the people may live

Honor sky and earth

Honor yourself

Honor your relations

Remember impatient one

The gentleness of time

Grandmother moon

You are more than light in the night

You are more than the moon

You are spirit connection

Your energy is our life

You are memories to generations past

You are the creator of sensations

That will always last

You are the knowledge the teacher

The influence to keep the people sane

You are a healer for spirit pain

Grandmother moon

We love you and we are angry

At the invaders who trash you

And violate our universe with

Their mechanical uncleanliness

We pray for you for us and for the

Invader who just can't comprehend

Respect love or the balance of life

We do not join the invading madness

From the way they act

It speaks of spirit sadness

Machine money progess is the

Cause of our common abuse

We see you grandmother

We feel you

We love you

We know through your reality

We will endure

We are one

We pray for you

We pray to you

Grandfathers whispering in the wind

Rejoice at the life you are a part of

Natural energy bound to natural laws

You will survive this

Temporary madness imposed upon you

Natural life is longer

Than opperssor's

Illusionary insanity

Spirits experience human deeds

But need not end

This is just one place of changes

Spirit life is forever if you want it

The universe is your home

You can survive here

Do not let them kill you

Keep your spirit strong

For distant stars and distant drums

Are the memories of spirit infancy

Children of earth let the spirit live

So you can grow in you place

In the universe

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Sunrise doesn't last all morning

A cloudburst doesn't last all day

Seems my love is up and has left you with no warning

It's not always gonna be this grey

All things must pass

All things must pass away

Sunset doesn't last all evening

A mind can blow those clouds away

After all this, my love is up and must be leaving

It's not always gonna be this grey

All things must pass

All things must pass away

All things must pass

None of life's strings can last

So I must be on my way

And face another day

Now the darkness only stays the night-time

In the morning it will fade away

Daylight is good at arriving at the right time

It's not always gonna be this grey

All things must pass

All things must pass away

All things must pass

None of life's strings can last

So I must be on my way

Face another day

Now the darkness only stays the night-time

In the morning it will fade away

Daylight is good at arriving at the right time

It's not always gonna be this gray

All things must pass

All things must pass away

All things must pass

All things must pass away

Julie Felix (El Condor Pasa)

Celebrating a long-time blogger

21 years of blogging

The Cassandra Pages

A GoFundMe for Willie and Aline

From Temryss Lane's GoFundMe page for Willie and Aline:

My dear Uncle Willie Lane and Auntie Aline's home burned down early on the morning of March 19th. Thank the Creator, they escaped the flames with their lives and second degree burns. Lifetimes of memories, cultural treasures, the smoke house (where my Uncle traditionally smokes salmon), their car, tools, clothes and their livelihoods went up in flames.

If you know Aline and Willie, you know they are in service to the community, exponentially generous, kind and loving, dedicated to helping people heal on their paths to wellness. Any offering you can make so they can purchase a new home and get on their feet again, would not only support them but benefit the entire community.

They have their lives and the clothes on their back. They lost everything else, including Aline's car. If you'd like to donate clothing items, old cell phones, a car, other necessities you can drop them at the Lane Family Home at 2877 Lummi Shore Rd.

Hy'shqe si'am! Our family feels so grateful Willie and Aline are safe and know that together we can help them rebuild their lives. Thank you for your generosity and support.

Temryss and the Lane Family

https://gofund.me/a1618623

"... it is better to speak ..."

Thanks to Devin Kelly for bringing this writer to my attention today.

Walking / O California (the landscape of my younger days)

"Walking, ideally, is a state in which the mind, the body, and the world are aligned, as though they were three characters finally in conversation together, three notes suddenly making a chord. Walking allows us to be in our bodies and in the world without being made busy by them. It leaves us free to think without being wholly lost in our thoughts. I wasn’t sure whether I was too soon or too late for the purple lupine which can be so spectacular in these headlands, but milkmaids were growing on the shady side of the road on the way to the trail, and they recalled the hillsides of my childhood that first bloomed every year with an extravagance of these white flowers. Black butterflies fluttered around me, tossed along by wind and wings, and they called up another era of my past. Moving on foot seems to make it easier to move in time; the mind wanders from plans to recollections to observations."

(Rebecca Solnit)

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I'm grateful to have been born into and grown up experiencing the landscape of California.  It brought a joy that is still with me all these years since I left, never imagining that I would spend the rest of my life living a thousand miles to the north in Western Washington which has its own beauty but is not my first love.  Eastern Washington does look much the way coastal California did when I was young but only for part of the year, and the Cascade Mountains separate Western and Eastern Washington. Eastern Washington has snow in the winter and extreme heat in the summer, unlike the coastal region of Northern California where I grew up, never far from the Pacific Ocean.  I continue have dreams where I rejoice that I am living near the Pacific Ocean.

#41 of 52 Tiny Mandalas drawn with my non-dominant left hand (the true color here is elusive) / Devin Kelly's essay on falling and getting back up

The camera on my cell phone distorted the blues in this mandala.  I wish you could see the true colors.  Nothing I did with the edit function could remedy the discrepancy between the actual mandala and the photo image.  

This reminds me of my recent experience with replacing the lenses in my glasses.  The optician asked if I would like the new lenses on my old frames to have a blue light filter to protect my eyes during the hours I spend looking at my laptop.  I said, "Sure."  It took me about a week looking through those new lenses to realize that the blue light filter gave the world a yellowish tint, making everything, especially the sky look the way it looked before I had cataract surgery.  The yellowish tint had a decidedly depressive effect on me.  One afternoon I took the glasses off and realized that the world looked so much better.  When I compared the view through the blue light filter and the true color of the sky, I was appalled by the way the filter diminished the beauty of the color of the sky.  The relief I experienced at seeing the true color of the sky was astounding. 

When I called the optician's office, I was assured that they would replace the lenses at no cost.  They had forgotten that they had told me that my frames could not sustain another change of lenses because those frames are 50 years old.  All was not lost, however.  Now I have a pair of glasses with lenses that are protecting my eyes (albeit with the color distortion) for the hours that I sit at my laptop, and I bought a new frame and had clear lenses inserted that allow me to see the true colors that I love so dearly.

I love this song. Always will. It brings healing tears every time I hear it.

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Grateful to have found Devin Kelly's Substack through a link from Sabine's blog and to have read the essay he linked to in today's post.

How Bellingham celebrates its young artists / Tiny Mandala #40 / Harpo and the sun shining through the window

One of the joys of my life is seeing the drawings and paintings of grade school children.  The first photo shows a semi-permanent display at a bus stop next to the public library.  The last three photos are of the rotating art work that is displayed at Trader Joe's grocery store.  Currently on display are drawings of Frida Kahlo.

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Every year there is a Children's Art Walk in downtown Bellingham where the street windows of the downtown businesses feature the work of Bellingham's young artists.

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Just finished Tiny Mandala #40:

On to #41:

Gave away to an artist friend one of the fifty-three 4 x 4 pieces of printmaking paper that I've been using for the Tiny Mandala series.  Now I will have one Tiny Mandala for each month of the year. 

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Although we've had some sunshine, it's still quite cold here.  Shortly after I took this photo, Harpo moved to a few feet forward to a sunny spot near the porch door where he stretched out in the sun.